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Thursday, 31 December 2015

MMXV - My Year in Words

2015 has been both the best and worst year of my life; I really don't know what to think.



My battle with depression has intensified and its nature became apparent to me yet I was the happiest I've ever been at times. My first relationship consumed me and attempts to continue to consume me, even after all that has been and gone. Love has defined me and destroyed me; I once was in love with love and the feeling intensified as it grew yet when my world was falling apart, my love for love fell with it. I hated love. I hated what I thought it was doing to me until I realised that love was never really the enemy and the problem could be found within me infinitely. Yet still, I couldn't face the acceptance of love after the experience I'd had with it. The once ordinary procedures brought back emotions I was too afraid to face and I discovered the sentiment of the way I chose to live.

But as painful as it is to remember, it would be somewhat unforgivable to forget the happiness the year has brought me. For although the battle is constant, the symptoms vary enormously and happiness prevails when circumstances favour its prominence. For most of my year was positive and I refuse to allow myself to forget it as negative emotions and vulnerability take precedence.

In January I was happy in myself. In February I embarked on what I could never have foreseen to be the last time with one who was dear to me in years previously, one with whom I later seemed to have drifted apart from. In March I somewhat unknowingly fell in love in somewhere which remains buried deep within my heart for the memory surfaces emotions I am yet to explore past the finish line. In April it became official and I was meanwhile developing a hobby dear to my heart, one I intend to resurrect and build on in 2016. In May I was in love with life and with love itself - everything seemed to be just where I wanted it. In June my world began to fall apart from one mistake I vow never to make again. In July I embarked on a live changing adventure that gave me confidence and so much more, I'd managed to reconstruct my relationship with the one who made me happiest and life was the best it has ever been. In August I was content, things were great and settling almost too quickly for those around me. In September I tried something new and my world was simultaneously falling apart for the final time that year. In October I lost myself. In November I remembered who I could rely on and tried to control what I'd recognised. In December I tried to forget, I tried to pretend yet I also tried to build new memories and enjoy what I'd found in those who will never let me down. In 2015 I found myself, lost myself, loved, laughed, changed, smiled and cried. It's a year I'll never forget.